The Better Communication Technique Worksheet This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: This form has three purposes: 1.to record a particular interaction you had with another person, 2.to consider how you might have changed that interaction by using the Better Communication Technique, and 3.to plan how you might use the Technique in similar interactions in the future. Today's date:_____________________ Date of event / activity: _______________________ Event / Activity: _______________________________________________________________ Who was involved: _______________________________________________________________ Where it occurred:_______________________________________________________________ Brief summary of what occurred: _________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ What others said / did:__________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ What you said:___________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ What the Better Communication Technique recommends saying:________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ What you could have said /done instead (list as many ideas as you can think of):_________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ What you plan to do next time in a similar situation:____________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Identifying Good Self Esteem Traits and Self Esteem Deficits This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: The purpose of this form is to help you consciously identify current good self esteem traits and self esteem deficits. In doing so, it serves three purposes: 1.Once you learn what good self esteem traits you have, you can steer yourself towards using them and, thereby, experience more positive emotions. 2.By learning what self esteem deficits you have, you will gain focus and motivation for eliminating them. 3.By reviewing completed copies of this form over time, you will be able to measure your progress in creating good self esteem traits and eliminating deficits. Today's Date: ___________________________ Acceptance Describe situations in which you feel you are accepted by others: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe situations in which you feel you are NOT accepted by others: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Task Performance Describe tasks (for example, cooking, painting, playing a sport, gardening, playing a musical instrument, etc.) that you feel highly competent in doing: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe tasks that you believe you are not competent in and therefore feel bad about doing: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Autonomy Describe situations in which you feel comfortable being yourself or expressing yourself openly: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe situations in which you must conform against your will. Also, describe situations in which you will be penalized for expressing yourself openly: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Determining Contingent Self Esteem This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: The purpose of this form is to help you determine whether a particular characteristic or trait you have constitutes contingent self esteem. Use a separate copy of this form for each characteristic or trait that you are considering. If you find that you have contingent self esteem, please refer to Chapter Four for recommendations on how to eliminate it. Describe a characteristic or trait you have that makes you feel good about yourself: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you lost this characteristic, would you feel... 1....less accepted, cared for, or respected by others? 2....useless or incompetent? 3....that you no longer have control over choices in life or that your life is meaningless? If your answer to any of these three questions is yes, then this characteristic or trait constitutes contingent self esteem. Please review Chapter Four for recommendations. Assessing Identity This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: The purpose of this form is to help you assess your identity. Complete a separate copy of this form every so often to determine how your identity changes over time. For the first year, complete this form every three months. Over the next two years, complete this form every six months; thereafter, complete one annually. If you have difficulty finishing it, please re-read Chapter Four. Write twenty different sentences below, each one beginning with the words, “I am _________.”: 1.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 2.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 3.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 4.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 5.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 6.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 7.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 8.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 9.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 10.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 11.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 12.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 13.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 14.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 15.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 16.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 17.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 18.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 19.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. 20.“I am _________________________________________________________________________________________. Where Do I Reside-- the World of Persuasion or the World of Power? This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: This worksheet helps you analyze where you reside during conflicts-- in the World of Persuasion or the World of Power (see Chapter Five). If you reside in the World of Persuasion during a conflict, the worksheet will also help you form a plan to move to the World of Power to avoid future power struggles. Describe a recent conflict you had: _____________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ What did you say or do to try to get what you wanted? ___________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Determine which world you were residing in during the conflict: A. World of Persuasion- I attempted to persuade, argue, deceive, manipulate, intimidate, or threaten the other person(s) to get what I wanted. B. World of Power- I stated my position, the reasons for my position, and/or tried to educate the other person(s) about pertinent information in order to get what I wanted. I did not persuade, argue, deceive, manipulate, intimidate, or threaten the other person(s) but, instead, I let the other person(s) decide whether my position was correct, justifiable, or reasonable. In which world were your residing during the conflict, the World of Persuasion or the World of Power? __________________________________ If you were living in the World of Power, CONGATULATIONS! If you were living in the World of Persuasion, create a plan below to move to the World of Power. Keep in mind the three rules of the World of Power (see Chapter Five): 1.You have your own power (i.e., how well you can swim), and you can increase it. 2.Others have their own power (i.e., what direction they choose to swim). You cannot control them. 3.The environment interferes with your power (i.e., the waves impede your ability to swim in particular directions) What could you have done differently in this situation to have avoided a power struggle and resided in the World of Power? __________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Being Ourselves vs. Pleasing People Too Much This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: It's natural to please others sometimes. When we stop being ourselves in order to do so, however, then we destroy our own self esteem, as well as that of others. By answering "Yes" or "No" to the following list of questions, you can determine whether in a particular situation you stopped being yourself in order to please another. If you answer "Yes" to any of the questions, you were not being yourself. Please see Chapter Six for recommendations. Describe a situation in which you pleased another person at your own expense: _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. Did you stop yourself from expressing yourself freely? _____ 2. Did you put some emotional distance between yourself and the other person by pleasing her/him? _____ 3. Did you act in a way that you normally do not? _____ 4. Did you feel you would not be accepted by the other person unless you agreed to live by the other person's rules? _____ 5. Did you give the other person the idea that she/he must also conform to the standards of society in order to be an acceptable person? _____ 6. Did you try to prevent the other person from having to experience negative feelings, such as sadness, disappointment, anger, or frustration? _____ 7. Did you give the other person the idea that it is acceptable for her/him to try to prevent you from having to experience negative feelings, such as sadness, disappointment, anger, or frustration? _____ 8. Did you avoid an opportunity for personal growth, whether for yourself or for the other person? _____ If you answered "Yes" to any of the foregoing questions, you were not being yourself. Please see Chapter Six for recommendations. Inner Critic Worksheet This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: Determine whether your inner critic is helping you to avoid failure or merely robbing you of power by answering the following questions about a particular situation. 1. Describe a situation in which your inner critic a) stopped you from doing or saying something (stopped an action), or b) criticized you for something you said or did (criticized you for an action): _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Was the action itself dangerous? ______ (if no, skip to Question 3) If so, was it necessary to expose yourself to this danger? ______ If the situation presented an unnecessary danger, then your inner critic is doing its job nicely. Otherwise, continue with this worksheet. 3. Is the action something that most other people can do or feel free to say? ______ (if no, skip to Question 4) If so, do you have any special limitations that would prevent you from being able to say or do it? _____ If your answer is no, then your inner critic is prodding you to improve yourself. Continue to Question 4. If your answer is yes, your inner critic is being destructive by making you feel powerless. Please stop here, and see Chapter Eight for recommendations. 4. Can you improve your ability to take this action? _____ If you have no way to improve this ability, then your inner critic is leaving you powerless. Please stop here, and see Chapter Eight for recommendations. Otherwise, describe what you can do to improve your ability:_____________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Misattribution of Pain This form is licensed under a Creative Commons 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ Instructions: This worksheet helps stimulate thought about the underlying reasons that cause you to be sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated in particular situations. By thinking about it in a systematic way, you can learn when you are misattributing pain. If you are doing so, please see Chapter Eight for recommendations. Describe a situation in which you were sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated, and you acted in a way that you later felt bad about: ___________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Describe what other persons (if any were present) said or did in that situation to make you sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated:_______________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Were you sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated right before this situation occurred? ___ If so, what might have been the reasons why you were already sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated? _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________ If the underlying reasons why were feeling sad, upset, disappointed, angry, or frustrated before the situation had nothing to do with particular situation, then you may well have misattributed pain. Please see Chapter Eight for recommendations.